Dream Anxieties

     I know that my recent issues with nightmares have something to do with the medication I am taking for my depression. This worries me and also strangely is thrilling, to know that I can have such vivid dreams again after years of seemingly being disconnected from that part of myself. A bit of background; I am on 40mg of Viibryd, a newer anti-depressant. I have been taking it for nearly five months. It has done wonders for my level of concentration and my anxieties. But for the last two months I have been randomly having what I first described as 'night terrors'.
    I'm falling asleep and my thoughts seem to turn dark. I have no control over the pacing or intensity of what I see, what I begin to hear and feel. The sheer vividness of everything is frightening, the realism is terrifying. There is no understanding that I am indeed dreaming, only a sensation of being trapped, a fight or flight response that is overwhelming. The theme of the dream shifts constantly, faces and scenes roaring into life. In both reality and dream my heart is beating wildly, my breath is quick and shallow. I begin struggling to get away, to change what is happening, to save myself- and within an instant I realize that I am indeed asleep and the terror becomes all encompassing. As if I will never wake up again.
    Sometimes it feels instantaneous, the realization and then waking; more often than not however, time crawls- seemingly stops, and I cannot wake up. I begin to struggle, knowing that if I move, I will break the cycle of intensity and be able to find peace. I start to cry out, to call for help, yelling- screaming for someone, anyone to please wake me. But my body does not move, my lips are still, and the only sound I seem to make is a low mewling in my throat.
    I keep fighting, struggling to kick or thrash my head from side to side- anything to break the spell of the nightmare. I hitch in imaginary breaths, forcing my lungs to burn from the force of my screams. I cry in fear and frustration, begging in repetition- "Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" And somehow, each time, the nightmare comes to an abrupt halt, hurtling me into reality.
    My eyes focus quickly on the spinning fan blades above my bed, a stabilizing vision as my heart pounds against the inside of my chest, my breath erratic, my fingers clawing at whatever they can. If I am lucky I will be able to stay awake for a few minutes, a moment of peace. But no matter how long I get, the nightmare returns, something different- but just as all encompassing and petrifying.
    My husband will hold me, take my hand, offer me reassuring words- but the nightmares return. I cycle through them in quick succession for two to four hours, without fail. I imagine that it is mental exhaustion that finally allows me to sleep in peace at the end, in the near dawn hours. But when I wake it is always the same bleary eyed remembrance of last night's terror and a sensation of not having slept at all.


    I am trying to make sense of why this happens on some nights and not all. Thus far I've noticed that it is when I take my medication right before bed. Also, late night meals or snacks, within an hour of sleep- seem to be of some significance. It is important to me to document this. As of now, this is a side effect of the medication that I am willing to deal with. For many others, the nightmares may be too much, and if anyone has ever found this to be true, please be sure to speak with a doctor. With many medications one has to way the negatives and the positives of the effects, in my case, the positives outweigh the negatives. But let me be clear, I have taken many medications where the opposite is true and I immediately consulted a physician on my reactions so that the medication could be changed or removed from my life. I would never suggest that someone take a medication simply because they are told to do so. Always remember, the only person you can control is yourself.

Prose 8/17

My heart was guilty. By way of association to my mind.
You told me I was cold, unfeeling.
I told you that I knew the truth.
And that despite your treachery I loved you still but I could never be with you again.
You called me cruel as you packed your things.
I watched you leave, my mind satisfied.
But know that as I go to sleep, it was my heart that pulled the trigger.

Carrion

They were pecking
and picking
apart all my pieces
Staring in wonder
as I shrilly
screamed